when i was about 11 i had met someone online while playing my game. talking to people online on this particular game was super common and how i made a few friends so i didn't think much of it. we ended up talking for about a month via game and than traded contact info to talk more efficiently. we'll call him E so i don't use his real name. E was very kind, funny, and was always there for me especially since at the time i had met E i was very suicidal and had been starting to cut myself since that was the closest to death i could get without backing out. E comforted me through everything i went through and never denied how i felt so i began to have feelings for him. we started to date online and he had told me he was 16, to be fair i also did say i was 16 because i was scared if he knew how old i really was he would ghost me or treat me differently. about 2 months into dating we started to e-sex and send explicit photos and about that time i had felt so guilty for lying about my age i told him i was 11. he said he didnt care how old i was and granted this should've been a red flag for me so we continued dating for 8 months. we had video called, texted, called normally, i knew where he went to school, i met one of his friends, i talked to one of his parents so there wasn't a single doubt in my mind about how old he was. apparently he was 36 and living in canada and the only reason anybody found out is because i had been staying up all night till my mom checked my computer and saw the photos. this is one out of the few times this happened.
after the first time of this happening i lost my computer, my phone, and was "closely" monitored. at the time when they discovered E i refused to believe he was in his 30s and not the 16 year old boy i had been talking to so instead of seeing this like grooming i saw it as a forced break up for no good reason. i was still in love with him for about a year after and now not having anybody to talk to about how i felt or being able to trust anyone i started to find new ways to talk to people online. all electronics in the house weren't banned so i would have sleepovers in my brothers room and sleep in his closet so i could use his laptop to get onto chat rooms. i dont remember the exact sites but i had gone onto at least 10 and talked and given/received explicit photos to at least 100 people. my goal was not to send any photos or talk to people that way but to try to find someone who would listen to me and hear how i felt but the only way people would listen to me is if i had given them something in return. this is where i met M. M was a 42 year old man who i told i was 21, i was 13. whenever i tell people about M they say it's his fault this all started and he should've known but i still do feel bad for him to this day because he couldn't have had a single clue until much later on. A few months before i started to talk to M i was given a flip phone that had 0 safety features installed and was never checked by either of my parents. i mainly used my brothers laptop to talk to M via skype and would later on give him my cellphone number. it started the same as E with him being super nice, funny, and actually listening to how i felt without needing anything in return. it wasnt until about two months later he had mentioned the idea of meating up. we learned we lived two hours apart and after some convincing i gave him my street address. he would pick me up at 11pm and drop me off back at where i lived at 3am that way my parents didn't see me. the story that i gave M is that i was 21 living with some roommates and i didnt have enough money to afford a car and didnt want to bother them with my personal life (my 'roomates'). i had put on a mask so it wasn't super obvious how old i was and the day came i was in his car driving off to a waffle house. the whole time we were together it was very sweet and he even comforted me with my problems in person. it started off with going to waffle house, walking around to different stores than getting a hotel. when we got into the hotel he convinced me to take off my mask and at this point it should've been obvious i was not 21. we watched TV, talked, had a pillow fight, and ended off with kissing. we ended up hanging out again just a week later at a different hotel and instead of just some kissing we ended up having sex and it was the most painful thing ever, i didnt know how sex worked at the time but i didnt think i would end up bleeding everywhere since it was my first time and my body was not prepared for it. we would keep doing this twice a week for three months and it was all consensual on my part, i never fought back and instead encouraged it which is another reason for why i feel so bad for him. on the very last day we did this he had given me gummies to help "relax my body so it didnt hurt" meaning he drugged me. every night we were together he tried convincing me to go back to his place and every time i said no but since i had gotten into a huge fight with my family that day and the drugs finally kicked in i said yes. we left that morning to his house and i slept the whole way, apparently while i was asleep we had driven all the way to the beach than back to his house being about a 8 hour drive. when we did get to his house we went to the store to buy some supplies since i was only gonna stay with him for a few days than go back to my home. he took a nap while i watched tv and a few hours later the police were outside his door. they took me and him to the police station and he was put into a cell while i went to the hospital to make sure i wasnt pregnant or had a std. i didn't have anything they checked for and after a few hours of being in the hospital my parents came into my hospital room and brought me food. in the end he had been sentenced to 32 years in prison than on house arrest for the rest of his life. i personally think both of these events weren't as traumatic as people say they were for me and that it was my fault for both events happening but i might also be crazy who knows.
Lately I've felt like I cant talk to anybody about anything because I'm scared of how they'll react so I've been talking to different ai bots people have made to get feedback on how i felt. It hasn't helped obviously and just made me feel stupid and desperate for someone to know how I felt. I do have a girlfriend and she's amazing in every way but I've bothered her so much with my emotions I get scared sometimes that she'll start to find it annoying and get sick of me entirely.
whenever I'm happy it makes me so confused on why I was upset with a certain person or why I dont like them but when I'm sad or mad i remember that they're actually an awful person and I've just been gaslighting myself so i dont upset people.
my mom is very manipulative but i dont think she does it on purpose which is kinda worse. half the time she's an amazing mom and the other half of the time she's screaming at the top of her lungs because somebody didnt put up her laundry properly. she's bipolar and has anger issues so thats probably the main problem. whenever she is super nice and supportive i get really confused on why i was upset with her and thinking its all in my head and im just being sensitive. she likes to start arguments a lot than make herself the victim from stuff nobody ever said. its frustrating and i don't know how her husband isnt sick of her.
I went to therapy for about 4 years straight, once a week, saw 3 different therapists that specialized in different things and it wasn't until i started to cancel my appointments to have more time for myself i started feeling better. i started to talk to my girlfriend more about how i felt and she's amazing with helping me. i don't feel like i do a very good job trying to help her when she's upset about something but I've been trying to get better and be a better partner for her.
i wish my brain would decide if im suicidal or not still. half the time i want to kill myself and wish i went through with old plans and the other half i love my life and the people i see. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself though and i have no access to anything that would be quick so its not going to be anything soon if it does happen. i wish someone else would just kill me instead.
my girlfriend and our friends were joking about something and someone said "you guys should kiss!" talking about my girlfriend and one of our friends. it was meant as like a joke and they both even asked me if they could and i said yeah it was fine but after it happened i cried for a good 20 minutes. i know i said it would be fine because it was meant as a joke but it still really hurt that she considered kissing someone else and than after thinking about it still doing it. they both apologized and i told her i was over it this morning but it kinda messed me up. i have really bad attachment and jealousy issues and i tend to overthink a lot so that doesn't help. i started to overthink this earlier that if she was so eager to do it as a joke that what if one time it isnt a joke. I'm a really shitty boyfriend I'm just over reacting again it'll be fine. i want to tell her that it really hurt my feelings but she already feels really bad and is upset about it so i dont wanna make her feel more bad.
♡♡cat break♡♡
i talked to my girlfriend about my concerns and how it's been making me feel last night. it felt a lot better to get it out but she did feel really bad about it and was upset. she also shared some concerns that I'm going to work on and try to get better at. i cried during most of the conversation and even though i was complaining about something she did she still comforted me and said she'll try to do better. it might seem small to most but somebody showing that they want to improve instead of ignoring their actions is the best thing in a person/partner to me.
I'm high right now.
Feel like a really shitty boyfriend again but i cant figure out how to put it into words for why. i really wanted to talk with my girlfriend about it but she fell asleep almost immediately when we started to call.
I've been feeling really empty and hollow recently for some reason, it's not that I've been having a lot of bad days but i think it's just that the days have been repeating for so long its starting to get to me. spending time with my girlfriend/friends is one of the only things that helps with it but since we've been snowed in for the past two days and already hung out recently we probably wont be able to for a while.
im supposed to be on medication but i stopped taking it 2 or 3 years ago without telling my doctor and im trying to get them to stop sending me more. i told a family member that i was slowly getting off of it and they said i should probably go back to a higher dose since I've been really stressed out and have been getting really worked up over minor things. i hate taking my medication because it makes me feel like im not a real person but it does help with my attitude.
my last therapist was super helpful the first half year but the other half felt like we were just talking about random things and not the stuff i needed to talk about with someone. it became really annoying and something that i dreaded every week instead of looking forward to.
me and my girlfriend finally got to see each other after a week 1/2 and we had a lot of fun. i used to be very sexual in our relationship but mainly because thats the only way i knew how to show my love but now I'm not very sexual and i prefer just being in her vicinity and cuddling to show my love. the complete opposite is for her to where she wasnt super sexual at the beginning of our relationship but now she is and she always apologizes for it. it doesnt make me upset or uncomfortable but i do feel bad that i dont match the same energy anymore and im not great at doing anything remotely related to it anymore. through out our relationship i feel like ive gotten a lot worse at things. i used to be really good at helping people with their emotions but now i suck at it. i used to be really good at matching the energy and being confident and now im really bad at it. i used to be really good at talking to people and now im really bad at it. im also a lot more emotional and i cry a lot easier which sucks.
i feel like the more time passes the less friends i have and the more i become detached from people in general. I'm really bad about talking to people and making the first move so all of the friends i do have i dont talk to a ton unless we're actively hanging out. my friends and my girlfriend all went to the mall but i stayed home since i thought my girlfriend wasnt going and i was tired. they all just got back and sent me pictures of them and they all had group pictures of them hanging out and i wasn't there. i got really sad that i skipped out because it sounded like a lot of fun and everyone was becoming good friends without me. i hate that im like this and i just want to be friends with these people. i dont understand why it's so hard, even my girlfriend said she felt like she was struggling to fit into the new friend group but now I feel like she's fully in and im just on the side lines and a guest character. when my girlfriend was sick the friend group stayed pretty much the same except nobody talked to me once. nobody ever talks to me unless shes there. i feel like im Invisible half the time. me and her are going to go on our own mall date next weekend so I'm excited for that but i feel like I'm locking myself into a comfort cage, not taking risks with anybody and makeing friends with people and just talking to my girlfriend.
my girlfriend got a new haircut and she looks amazing and im super happy that everyone agrees but im really upset that everyone agrees. before my girlfriend would be casually flirted with pretty often and i know that its going to become more of a daily thing and im so worried that one day she'll get sick of me and someone really attractive or really cool will come up to her and ask her out because she's beautiful, funny, smart, and just perfect so why wouldn't they than she starts paying more attention to them, she starts flirting back until im just here and than she leaves me for someone objectively cooler. it doesn't help that with my new haircut i look like a rat that got run over so i cant even compete with anyone. shes amazing and so funny that she could pick anyone and i dont understand why she picked me. im so scared of losing her. from all my past relationships the longest one i had was a year and she left me for someone else than started to flirt with my girlfriend while we were dating. it doesn't help that after she left and it was just me and my girlfriend she was talking about doing a poly relationship. we didnt and whenever i bring it up she just says it was in the moment and she wasn't thinking right. i know she could do so much better than me and im so worried that she will. im a mess. yesterday night after we got our haircuts and i dressed her up she started saying "what do you think (person we stalk) would think? do you think she would leave her girlfriend." "i want people to fall for me". i know she means it in a joking way and I'm really happy that she feels super confident and people are appreciating her looks now but im so worried someone will just sweep her off her feet.